Being an extrovert it’s difficult for me to sit still, even if its for 5 minutes. This weekend I was forced to do just that – … and to avoid the pain if i moved, and face the discomfort, while not moving physically, to learn and let go. Yesterday I had an unfortunate experience of pinching my sciatic nerve. Anyone out there who has had this, i won’t need to go into the agonizing details of the pain that consumes your body.
What I will explain is what I do to recharge? Normally on a weekend I’ll try and make plans, go out and be with friends; It’s not too often I stay home and watch tv. Yet this is exactly what I did this morning. Mostly because, once upon a time, tv was the window to my outside world. I was lost in TV during my low period years. My depression turned to tv, binge watching anything on the TiVo – trying to figure out exactly what was reality and what was normal. I moved from the living room to the office (between tv and computer) in my apartment. This is the reason why I don’t like to watch a lot of tv these days simply because it brings me back to a time where I was dependant on this commodity.
However I had plans and was forced to change them to focus on my own well being. I felt bad letting people down as I was cancelling events one after another. Even last evening I had to cancel at the last minute simply because my stubbornness had taken over. However, as I stood at the top of the stairs, and a shooting pain electrified down my left leg, I knew the only place I could go was the bed.
I woke up this morning and poured a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch and put on one of my old favourite “Dawson’s Creek”. I binge watched the episodes and pondered healing from the inside out. I always love watching these shows, teenage angst pent on over-analyzing their lives to figure out what love is most attractive each week. Same story routine re-written but I do love the small town they grow up in and secretly like the east coast feeling where the lead character has a passion for finding life’s greatest mysteries that are found in the movies.
So I sat there and wondered exactly what it is I’m supposed to do and how am I’m supposed to heal from this. I sat and was reminded of going back to the basics in life. As I walked lightly around my home I enjoyed the wonderful taste of my morning java. My puppies played off to the side of the room as they do whenever they get a burst of energy – they like to pick on one another. Do I read? Do I research? Do I work? or Do I just simply do nothing. Well after about 3 hours of doing nothing and enjoying those moments of watching the candle flicker as Season 3 Episode 6 of teenage melodrama comes on, I decided to pick up my laptop and work and chose to refocus.
I chose to see this, not as a setback, but as an opportunity for me to slow down and heal from the inside out. I needed to focus on myself and that is okay to do. Disappointment may come however it is my journey to do my work. I was reminded of a story about Finding Nemo and the Heroine’s Journey parallel. As Dori and Nemo’s dad struggled to find Nemo, they were caught in the face of whale, being pulled against the grain where Dori pulls him to the edge and by allowing trust and to let go of the scenario, then are plunged down deep within the darkness of the whale only to surface 1 step closer to the lost fish.
Acknowledge your honour and how the process is unfolding. – it’s an expression of the scene of the belly of the whale. The journey can be dark and unknowing what lays ahead but to trust and let go.
So I’m caught in 2 decisions – do I write or ignore. Is there a connection between bottling up those unsettling natural feelings. I’m faced with something and do I bite into the apple or do I ignore it – or do I face it with strength … as I stand in my truth. I trust and let go of the scenario and decide to fall into the darkness hoping that I’ll be lifted up into a more peaceful place. Now call me crazy but as I wrote this – my pain subsided and I was able to move a bit more. In my line of work- there are no such thing as a coincidence… and as I usually put it – you simply cant make this sh*t up.