There is no easy way to say this. I still see you. I still see the sheer look of terror on your face after the harsh sounds of vomiting in the bathroom. I hear the female 911 dispatcher on the other end of the phone in her calm, present manner. The sound of dogs scratching from behind a closed door in confusion. What was once a regular Wednesday we woke up to, drastically turned to a horrible black and white darkened moment of harsh reality! A tragic nightmare that I replay in my head.
Yes PTSD relating to grief are puzzling moments to wrap your head around. Mental health is a constant self-check in balancing act of mindfulness attention. You feel like you are doing well, then one day – BOOM! – You feel like you are right back to where you once were. Visions, sights, sounds, even smells are horrible in those moments where you think you can’t escape. You think you’ve got this… but you lay awake late at night replaying those moments wondering if this is your fault.
And all this time, two years, 730 days later; each day it’s like putting one puzzle pieces back together in which you thought it looked like. I’ve done a lot of work on building this puzzle back together. I’m not saying it’s been easy. There are days where I think “I’ve got this…look how far I’ve come… wow, look at my progress… (and again) I’ve got this!” and there are days where all I want to do is crawl back in bed and wish this puzzle wouldn’t even exist.
Yes PTSD grief is puzzling to work through.
Even two years later, I wake up on this Wednesday hearing what I heard … How do I get through this darken moments of horrific imaging? Fundamental elements are necessary to work through these situations…
- I allow myself to share this thoughts, visions, and feelings… it’s hard yes, but it’s okay! (words to live by: I’m not broken… and neither are you)
- I go back to basic fundamental training today: rest, water, Netflix helps a bit too. I’ve scheduled to watch a movie later on.
- I write it out… I write… and I write everything down to move the energy through me.
Two years later…. It still hurts…. but I allow myself to be open, honest with myself, and believing that I can continue to move forward, one puzzle piece at a time.