Tag: young widow

What is Mindfulness?

Posted on by Jen

Many people ask me what mindfulness is. With the rise in popularity, I have made it my passion to try and explain what it is and why we should practice it. Using some examples of my own life experiences, I plan to dive in and share what mindfulness is and how you can incorporate into your daily life. Mindfulness is a way of looking at things differently and allows a way for you to relate to all of the experiences in your life which may be causing you to suffer.  This, in turn, will allow you to personally transform yourself. When journeying through the highs and lows of life, I have had time to think back and reflect what has got me through, it has been mindfulness.  

We, as humans, are constantly looking for ways to solve the causes of our suffering and then discover how we can alleviate it. I’ve started introducing mindfulness as a way of finding clarity in moments of chaos. Chaos can be something minor (ie. a traffic jam) or major (ie. the sudden loss of a loved one, or even a global epedemic). 

Sooner or later you end up asking yourself questions such as:  “Why don’t I feel better?”  or “Is there something I can do or something that is prescribed so it makes the pain go away.” No one wants to be on pills for the rest of their life. Though I believe that medication does have a time and place in some cases. As we age (and sometimes throughout your whole life) you can suffer from illness.  Sickness, old age and death usually expose us to pain. Through my research, I have found that pain is the surface tension for the body to alarm our whole self that something is off balance. I have suffered from back pain every year due to softball, yet I know these issues are from the deep subconscious. Even this past week I had a minor spasm, as the week unfolded I knew this was quilt related grief that was surfacing in a weak spot of the body. I hit my own “reset” button which includes deep breathing, meditation, stretching etc. Mindfulness is about hitting the ‘re-set” button. You can hit it as many times as you need in order for you to see the clarity through whatever chaos is unfolding along your path. 

Throughout your life, you can struggle emotionally when you are confronted with adverse circumstances.  When you don’t get what you want in life, if you suffer from great loss or have to deal with things you don’t want to deal with you are constantly seeking ways to feel better. Mindfulness is a 2500-year-old tradition of Buddhist psychology.  Mindfulness has to be experienced directly. Especially if you are teaching or sharing content to others (like myself). I try my best to practice it as part of my daily routine. My partner has even helped me when I suffer in low mental moments on how to begin my day with gratitude. I’m not perfect by any means, I’m human just like everyone else. Sometimes I’m mindful of when I’m the teacher, and when I am a student myself.   Mindfulness comes from within because it is intuitive and pre-conceptual. This is why I always say, mindfulness doesn’t prevent you from facing trials and tribulations in life. Mindfulness is about finding clarity in the midst of chaos. 

With practice over time, you can figure out how to become more and more mindful in your everyday life.  Mindfulness can help even if you are in the middle of significant suffering.  Mindfulness has been compared to a deeply personal journey of discovery. What I love is creating different ways we can be mindful. Yoga or meditation may not be for everyone. That is okay. To experience the journey of discovery is the fun part!

Mindfulness is meant to bring about awareness, attention, and remembering.  Awareness means becoming aware and fully enjoying and appreciating the things around you no matter how small it is.  From enjoy a lovely cup of coffee (one of my favourite things to do) or a wonderful drive along a dirt road. You can find your ways to become mindful at the moment. 

When you are attentive, it means that you are participating in focused awareness.  That means that you are aware of what is occurring within and around you.  When you participate in this “awareness” you can begin to free yourself from mental preoccupation and difficult emotions. Being aware that this may or may not be positive is okay. 

The true purpose of mindfulness is to rid yourself of needless suffering. It’s unfortunately how our minds, sometimes, are our own worst enemies. How do you do this?  You do this by becoming aware and cultivating insights into how your mind works and the meaning of everything in the material world we live in.  You are looking for ways to calm your mind and bring peace to your world. 

Through Mindfulness, you are re-training your mind in order to manage it.  Mindfulness allows you to develop other mental qualities including concentration, loving/kindness, effort and becoming more alert. It took me years of practice so that I may understand how I could step back away from the hospital bed, and understand the greater perspective. In that moment of “chaos”, I was able to remember my breathing techniques while waiting for the doctors to come in. I was then able to listen to my intuition and know that my husband was needed in other places other than this realm. 

Mindfulness is not an end-all or doorway to happiness but it can provide you with the foundation you need to build those skills. Which is why I said, it’s not about eliminating the trials and tribulations but finding clarity. I’m not here to pretend, things happen in life. 

By allowing yourself to get rid of habits in your mind that can cause you unhappiness the result will be letting go of anger, envy, greed or other harmful behaviours that serve no purpose. It may take some time. But a constant practice of mindfulness will help you along your path. 

Mindfulness brings about self-acceptance and self-understanding.  We bring upon ourselves unwanted emotional and behavioural problems simply by trying to avoid discomfort and throwing ourselves into some other sort of change-seeking activity. I always consider this kind of training as a guide in helping people find their centre or compassion and self-healing. 

Grief and the Holidays

Posted on by Jen

 

It’s never an easy thing to think about. The moment you wake up and realize you and your husband will never share these special moments again.  He died suddlenly over Thanksgiving weekend in 2016, so my first major celebration without him was our anniversary (Dec. 06). Regardless of the date or celebration, the holiday season can be hard for some people who have experienced loss. I dedicate this blog to all of those reading it who have lost someone close this year. From my heart to yours, I hope these words are helpful in those dark moments, and gentle for your souls’ comfort.

There were a few people who I got to know during the first 6 weeks after his death, where their advice came in handy during the year of “firsts”. I kept thinking about my feelings and emotions as the days were building up to the month of December. Some of those included the following: (any of them sound familiar to you?)

  • How can I make it through Christmas? I can barely function! 
  • Where am I to go for the holidays? I just want to be alone. 
  • Who do I shop for? I can’t even make decisions right now for myself, let alone for other people too.

One of my very dear friends had asked me to fly down south to spend time with them in early December of that year. When I got the offer, I couldn’t think of a better time to go then over my anniversary. This gave me time to reflect on those moments and what I would do for the holiday season. A nice little getaway to a familar place, South Carolina. I had attended school there, and this small trip allowed me to be in a safe space to think, reflect, and move forward at the speed I felt comfortable with. These were the ideas I came up with, tried, and succeeded during my first experience of being widowed and surviving the holidays. Even though all grief experiences are entirely different, and I fully respect and believe this, maybe these ideas will help you reflect on the things that will help you get through this Christmas.  

Below are some little gems that served me well when I was going through the month of December. 

  1. Allow yourself to be GENTLE with yourself. This is the most important piece of advice I was given. Emotions are gonna be high and low and you can feel happy and sad all at the same time. I remember sitting in the car, unable to decide  where to go out for dinner when asked my opinion. Life was too foggy for me at that moment and I got anxious very quickly, even to make a simple decision like that. I simple said I wanted a salad, “so you pick the restaurant that would offer a salad for me and I’m okay with whatever”. 
  2.  Listen to yourself and give yourself some space if you need it. Even if you are with loved ones, you maybe needing to leave and have a quiet moment all to yourself. And thats okay! I know many who just want to “tough it out”. I encourage you to acknowledge those moments, because those moments will surface and they will pass. One of the things I shared, even to the children: I was going to give myself a “TIME OUT”. In most families, these two words are known to kids, which made it easier for them to understand. I never really got into any other explanation because that seemed to be okay with everyone. We all need a “time out” every now and then. Pay attention to what your body needs. 
  3.  Look for ways you can be mindful in the moment. As the days led up to Christmas, I began to see Christmas, not as ONE BIG EVENT, but a series of small things. When thinking big, I was getting overwhelmed thinking I cant make it through. Looking at it one moment at a time, helped me focus. Help out with baking cookies, or set the table. These little things are keeping your hands busy. 

For me I focused on Christmas Eve, and a visit with a girlfriend. I came home and watched a holiday movie… Christmas morning came and I poured myself a cup of coffee, then I went for a walk with the pups.  I came home and helped my mom set the table, and did a bit of journal writing. I really started to focus on the little things which helped me get through my first Christmas without my husband. Tears came yes, but in the moment, I minimized additional emotions like anxiety or frustration within the rawness of grief because I kept focusing on the smaller moments of time. 

Know that your loved one is there within you. I remember walking my pups on Christmas day. The sun was shining so bright that morning. I could feel him looking down on me. I remember feeling that I was going to be okay, that I would eventually heal. It would take time yes, but the most important part is to allow yourself to be honest with yourself and others: what you need etc.

Two years later, I am in a new relationship and moving forward with life! I am happy, yet I continue to have moments of grief and think of my late husband daily. I managed to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Making it through the weekend was an accomplishment. I didn’t have to leave – like I did the first year, I couldn’t handle it and ran from the situation. By remembering the mindfulness tactics I have stated, I am able to work through my grief emotions and become present.

Being mindful in the moment helps a great deal moving forward. Creating the new normal and making new memories around the holiday season is part of the process. I wish you a wonderful holiday season.

 

Blessings along your path and with much love – JenCB

2 Years Later

Posted on by Jen

There is no easy way to say this. I still see you. I still see the sheer look of terror on your face after the harsh sounds of vomiting in the bathroom. I hear the female 911 dispatcher on the other end of the phone in her calm, present manner. The sound of dogs scratching from behind a closed door in confusion. What was once a regular Wednesday we woke up to, drastically turned to a horrible black and white darkened moment of harsh reality! A tragic nightmare that I replay in my head.

Yes PTSD relating to grief are puzzling moments to wrap your head around. Mental health is a constant self-check in balancing act of mindfulness attention. You feel like you are doing well, then one day – BOOM! – You feel like you are right back to where you once were. Visions, sights, sounds, even smells are horrible in those moments where you think you can’t escape. You think you’ve got this… but you lay awake late at night replaying those moments wondering if this is your fault. 

And all this time, two years, 730 days later; each day it’s like putting one puzzle pieces back together in which you thought it looked like. I’ve done a lot of work on building this puzzle back together. I’m not saying it’s been easy. There are days where I think “I’ve got this…look how far I’ve come… wow, look at my progress… (and again) I’ve got this!” and there are days where all I want to do is crawl back in bed and wish this puzzle wouldn’t even exist.

Yes PTSD grief is puzzling to work through.

Even two years later, I wake up on this Wednesday hearing what I heard … How do I get through this darken moments of horrific imaging? Fundamental elements are necessary to work through these situations… 

  • I allow myself to share this thoughts, visions, and feelings… it’s hard yes, but it’s okay! (words to live by: I’m not broken… and neither are you)
  • I go back to basic fundamental training today: rest, water, Netflix helps a bit too. I’ve scheduled to watch a movie later on. 
  • I write it out… I write… and I write everything down to move the energy through me.

Two years later…. It still hurts…. but I allow myself to be open, honest with myself, and believing that I can continue to move forward, one puzzle piece at a time. 

 

Until Death Do Us NOT Part…

Posted on by Jen

 

Our Storybook Love

To My Derek…

When we wrote our vows together so many years ago in our first apartment, we were excited for the future and what laid ahead. We made plans of buying a house together, sharing our career successes, and one day maybe create a family of our own. It was in these conversations, of our goals, our passion for life, and what it had to offer, we wrote our promises. We wrote out our story together and we united ourselves in the love we had for one another.

We stood before family and friends that December evening. You in your handsome tuxedo, and myself in a gown far grand then I could ever imagine. Our winter wonderland wedding was magical with the freshly fallen snow. Each snowflake descended slowly as if each held the promises of our love on the path while we walked together. We gathered before family and friends. The stockings were hung, the fire was lit, and we read our promises to one another. We vowed to love one another, to be there for each other, even through the trials and tribulations that life sometimes can throw upon us. And until death do us part… with our signatures binding our promise, we became our storybook love. 

We did have our trials and tribulations as a married couple, as any couple would have over the years. We made mistakes, however, we stood together as we continued to promise to be there for one another. With each chapter that unfolded, we continued to love one another. We never gave up on what we had and we continue to build from that promise we made at the alter.

And now, 8 years later, we were faced with an unexpected twist of fate. Just shy of our wedding anniversary life took a turn for the worse. The shocking reality that we wouldn’t live happily ever after. I witnessed the dark angel coming in and with my hand, I passed you over to him. Our time on this plane was done, our storybook love came to an abrupt ending, and it was your time to go. Promises were made, and yet I never felt they were broken in this experience of losing you so quickly. 

What that angel left for me was the darkest chapter left untouched, unread, and unknowing sorrow. Scared and alone, I now face the world on my own. Yet it is here, in this darkness, I have found a grace that has come to lead me in the dimmest of times. I surrender to this deep feeling within my soul and in trusting this I have found you on the other side. You are with me from the Divine! You show me the love and light from the universe. You promised me you would never leave me and you continue to guide me along my path. I trust, and I build on those pomises made.  

I have discovered new depths of love in which I never knew existed. To love someone so much to know when it is the best time to go. To trust the love you have for yourself, and to follow your path despite how dim it may be, love and grace will be there waiting for you. We will forever be part of each others journey. You gave me so much in life, and even more so in your death. I continue to promise to trust you and listen to your words of wisdom. I see you in my dreams late at night. I feel your wings around me when I need strength. I promise to live a life of love knowing that you have shown me the divine of the universe. And I promise to love again and to bring this love wherever my journey will lead. As I lay you in your final resting place… 

And as I walk into the cemetery with you in my arms. Your wooden earn ready to be placed into the ground. I walk as if I’m walking down a different isle again, surrounded by family and a few close friends.  I only spoke a few words today, as I took the shovel and started digging into the dirt. I gently place you into the ground and know that in the vows I wrote for you only 8 years prior, we will never be a part.

I realize now that it is until death do us NOT part!

 

 

Life’s Transitions and the birth of a Pheonix

Posted on by Jen

 

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, although I’m excited to be documenting this incredible journey. After finding a couple of love letters from my beloved Derek a few weeks ago, I had many different emotions surface along this journey. Uncovering new feelings and new emotions make for remarkable healing moments. One where I am fascinated by the body’s way of healing in conjunction with the spiritual understanding of how life truly is. 

The soil beneath me begins to twist and churn which uncovers new emotions daily. One moment I feel great and empowered after an amazing morning workout at the gym. The next, I feel the sorrow of grief and guilt and wishing I could have done something more for a man that loved me so much. Within the sun, flames of fire roar as darkness falls over the land, leading by a death that has forever changed me in ways I never thought possible.

My head lowers in the mist of the flames which I feel have ignited around me so fast. A new surrounding of ash coming from every which way as they bury in these emotions, I fall victim to something as if its right out a greek tragedy. My wings are heavy, and my feet move slow in the mud and soot as I continue to walk through the fog of ash around and I continue to turn up the soil removing all negative energy from my old being.

Yes life continues to move on. It doesn’t stand still, no matter how hard I try. But it’s all in a process. Time heals and we continue our path around the sun. The light will rise again, giving new life, a new form of seeing.

I have fallen, I have made mistakes, I have grieved the loss of people whom I love very much. I am not perfect by any means, but I put my trust in the universe that my journey will continue to help me grow in new ways I never thought possible. I trust and emerge myself in the ash… into the darkness. I feel like in this transitional process of my journey, I am reborn with new eyes, new thoughts, and new way of extending my wings to elevate to new levels of the love and light. Many lessons will continue along my path – they will continue until I am no longer a mortal being. 

And for this, a new phoenix will be born…